Trying to gain some control...

So as most of you know mama has got a pretty bad case of anxiety. 

And from what I understood about my "attacks" (as we like to call them, which is really a much more polite way of saying psychotic episodes, but whatever) I really only got them in social situation/in public. 

Not in the safe haven that is my home. 

EVER

That was until I had a baby and she became all the public I needed. I have been having really really bad attacks at home, and I feel like it is seriously the exact opposite of the reasons I was having them before pregnancy.

Scenario before baby:

We walk into a crowded restaurant. 

We sit down.

I think everyone is staring at me.

I try to talk.

I can't talk or I will vomit.

Cue tunnel vision, muffled hearing, pounding heart, lump in my throat, and stomach cramping. 

Whom ever I am with usually notices I am freaking out in my own body and if they know me well enough they know to just sit quietly and wait patienly until it is over. 

(this would happen in restaurants, bars, malls, concerts, grocery store, ANYWHERE)

Scenario after baby:

Baby is whiny/crying.

I tend to her.

Dog barks at squirrel in the yard.

I trip on dirty laundry/adam's shoe/toys

the baby really starts crying.

My nose is runny from the amounts of dog hair on our couch. 

Cue tunnel vision, muffled hearing, pounding heart, lump in my throat, and stomach cramping.

I am with a baby and not anyone that can understand that I am having a really bad attack, she does not quiet or need less attention and my attack flies thru the roof and turns into a full on rage episode in my own head. 

Anxiety is a freaking scary ass thing and I have fought myself for 23 years about it. I didn't get to enjoy live music by my favorite bands growing up. Or dinner conversation with family or friends in popular restaurants. I spent most of my nights out with friends in the bathroom trying to hold it together. It controlled so much of my social life growing up and now I feel that it is taking over what precious time I have alone at home with my daughter.

Alot of my friends and family don't understand my anxiety, and thats ok, I don't either, but its real and its controlling as hell and I struggle so much with it. I have conflicted feelings about medication, I do not nor have I ever wanted to take medication for it. I have wanted for years to be able to somehow control it myself, as much as it controls me, but atlas I cannot. So I have decided to see a doctor and try the meds. I feel so defeated, but I need to be able to enjoy life at home with belle. I need to do it for her more then anything. 

So I will keep ya'll posted on that little nugget of a problem.

On a lighter subject...

Belle was sick for the first time.

NOT FUN!

But she ended up getting me sick and she fought it off faster then I did! 

My little champ!

Well I am going to give a little show of some pics before I dip. Have a great week and incase I don't post before Halloween, have a good one and be safe!

 Happy girl with grandma B

 Got her a pair of shoes since she's been getting her socks filthy from walking so much! 

SUCH A BIG GIRL!

 Annabelle is so lucky she gets to see Great Grandpa Kroth again, now that he's outta the hospital!

My Bridesmaids

I really really wanted to get a wedding website together, but let's be real...with what I have going on in my life that is just asking wayyyyyy too much from me. It is such a lengthily process. 

So on that note I decided to just introduce our wedding party on here and then give all the juicy details after the big day. 

The Maid of Honor "Matron of honor" 

Kristina Mendoza

 
Best friends since 2006!

She is hilarious and such a softy, and a music junky. Her speech should be very interesting at the wedding. I am soooo excited that she is going to be my maid of honor, and then two months later I am hers. 

 It is so typical of us to end up having our weddings close together and being eachothers MOH's. When I moved away to Tahoe and Kristina would go to bars or parties people would ask "What the heck? Where is Erica, I didn't even recognize you without her on your hip?" It has been sooo hard not having her around all the time, even still and its been over two years.Thank goodness she met Sir Nathan and moved to the East Coast with him...she's now in the same time zone, woohoo!

Bridesmaid

Katie Bergin

I met Katie in August of 2009 while working at the Hyatt in Lake Tahoe. We worked together in the child care program, and instantly hit it off. She invited me to move in with her into her parents house and became best friends. Then I met her family and I realized why she was so easy to love. They treated both Adam and I like family from day one. When we found out we were having Annabelle, Katie and her family were probably some of the most important support I received. I felt so far from my family and at such a point in my life where I needed them I felt all the love and reassurance that we were doing the right thing from the Bergin's and their family in Tahoe. I feel so lucky to have her not only in my life but Annabelle's as well. 

Bridesmaid

Tiffany Stanbury

Adam is the first and only guy that I have ever dated that was genuinely sweet. My long time best friend and I used to joke that we would never find a nice guy and that we would forever be eachothers stand in boyfriend. When I first started dating Adam, Tiffany came to visit and he was put to the ultimate test...which he obviously passed with flying colors and she was thrilled that I had found a great guy. We have enough memories of laughter together for an entire lifetime! She is one of the most outgoing and goodhearted girls I have known and basically the most fun any one person can be!

Bridesmaid

Lindsay Delgrosso

 I met Lindsay through Adam's best man when we first moved here. She was my first official friend here and one of the best friends I have ever been fortunate enough to have. It was so hard moving to a new city not knowing ANYONE except for Adam and his family. Then add being 6 1/2 months prego and it made it soooo much harder. Linds was a GODSEND! She invited me places, called to chat, made me laugh, and then when Belle came into the world Lindsay was like the sister I never had. She literally treats Belle like she is her neice and it is so sweet. Her family is the same way...they genuinely care so much about all of us and I don't know what kind of depressed life i would be leading if it weren't for Lindsay! 

Bridesmaid/ Sister of the Groom

Andrea Burzynski

Andrea and I met when she flew out to visit Adam in Tahoe after living in China for 2 years. She had never been out to Tahoe to visit and was coming to stay for about a week. I was already about 4 months along and we were making plans to move closer to family but unsure of where. Adam got a call a couple of weeks before Andrea came to visit for a job interview in Buffalo. Of course he had to go! We needed him to get a job SOMEWHERE. So off he went a couple of days after Andrea arrived in Tahoe. We spent 4 days together after just meeting! I was a little nervous at first, I mean she was the older sister, we had never met, and I was pregnant! If she was a mean person it could have gotten really really awkward....luckily she is seriously the sweetest person in the world, would not hurt a fly! We had a good time doing touristy things and I loved getting to know my "future sister in law". She is the most well traveled person I have ever encountered and I envy her motivation to go places. If you are coming to the wedding make sure to chat her up about her travels!! :)

Bridesmaid

Chelsea Mckean

 

I had the joy of knowing Chelsea before she was even in the world. I used to rub her moms belly and talk to her when she was pregnant with Chelsea. 

note: she is probably going to kill me for this haha!!

I can remember scraped knees, and playing house, bike riding, and family trips to Tahoe. Our mothers have been best friends for 21 years...freaking impressive! We were next door neighbors for most of our childhood and both had cabins on the same street in Tahoe growing up. Needless to say our families were close, and I have had the joy of watching her grow up to be a beautiful young lady. 

I cannot wait to have everyone we love in the same place for one wonderful evening!

Couldn't help myself!

Hope I don't get any lip about this!

But COME ON!! 

I couldn't not share this with ya'll!

(Note: I had just gotten off work so that explains my silly skirt, and yes I call my daughter "wooty", its our nickname for her being naked...get used to hearing it lol)

Road Trip

Two weekends ago Adam and I drove up to New Hampshire for the Burzynski Family Reunion with Annabelle. His dad's siblings get together with their families once a year, and this year it happened to be in NH.

 

His Aunt Kathy and Uncle Mark hosted it at their home. It was about an 8 hour drive to their house, but ended up taking us 12 hours because of Annabelle. We left at 4:45a.m. and stopped about a thousand times because she doesn't like long car rides at all! We went through Vermont and stopped in a couple of pretty cool towns. Then we went through some of the damaged part of the state, where the hurricane had really effected some of the roads and homes, restaurants, gas stations. It was devastating obviously, but what was incredible was how much of the roads were already completely redone.

While in NH we had a very full day planned for Friday. We all woke up and had breakfast together at Kathy and Mark's then headed out to the furniture factory that Mark runs, Copeland Furniture. IT WAS SO COOL. We saw what a couple of planks of wood go through to make some really beautiful pieces of furniture.

Then he took us to the outlet where the furniture is sold, and we had lunch at a cute little italian restaurant. I can't remember the town we were in but it was adorable. There was an old mill that they had turned into a brewery and restaurant across from a beautiful waterfall and golf course. So pretty.

Then we headed out to an apple orchard which Annabelle loved. There was a small trail that lead through some different animals and an infant swing on top of a hill. The view was amazing and I am so bummed that I didn't get more pictures.

 

 

From there most of the woman headed to some more shops but the men were taking off to a near by brewery. At this point in the day Adam and I were so exhausted from getting Belly in and out of the car so many times, not to mention the fact that we had gotten up at 3:30 the morning before and driven 12 hours. Adam's mom and sister were our saviors and volunteered to take the baby to the shops while we headed to the brewery. That hour and a half was amazing! Much needed.

The next morning we headed to Plymouth, the small town that Kathy and Mark live in, for breakfast. We had a delicious breakfast at this tiny little whole in the wall diner. There were a ton of really cool shops and deli's and an art show going on in the grass across the street. It was raining a ton though so we couldn't really hang outside too much with the babe. We headed out around 2 on Saturday and headed to Groton Massachusetts.

It only took us an hour and half to arrive and I was sooooo excited to get there. We were going to visit one of my best friends, Katie and her family. I LOVE HER FAMILY SO MUCH!! Her parents were so wonderful to me when I lived in Tahoe, they not only let me live in there beautiful mansion, but were also some of the most supportive people in our lives when we found out about being prego. Katie is one of my bridesmaids and one of the best friends I have EVER had. We had dinner at a great little BYOB italian restaurant and then headed back to the house for a few glasses of wine. By 10 p.m. Adam and I were beyond beat. We got up at 4:30a.m. and drove back home to Buffalo. Took us 10 hours.

It was a wonderful family filled weekend, but way too much driving with a youngster. I loved meeting Adam's wonderful family, and was beyond thrilled to see the Bergins!

Numero Uno

Hi ya'll,

I am very excited to be able to take sometime out of my week and come here and just write about all of it! It will be great for me! 

So here is my frist entry, dun dun dun dun!!

Let's start off by getting everyone aquainted with the craziness that is my life. 

I work at Blum's Intimate Apparrel and Swimwear. I LOVE MY JOB, and the peeps I work with. 

Adam is my fiance, he sells commercial roofing for Firestone, and he seems to really enjoy it. 

Moe Bear (a.k.a. moe beat, beans, beak-da, and bubba) is our silly little yippy dog. 

and the most important person ever is little miss Annabelle Rose, nicknames are as follows; Bella Boo, booboo, baby girl, Belle, Rookie, and most often I just call her Belly.

We moved here to New York exactly one year ago!!

Funny Fact about my family----we unintentionally do things on holidays other then celebrate that holiday.

July 4th 2009- the day Adam and I met.

Christmas Eve 2010- the day Adam proposed.

Halloween 2011-Closing date on our new house

St Patrick's Day 2012-Our wedding

So now you have been introduced, which really was probably pointless considering mostly people I already know will be reading this...oh well!

Now I will just end with some fun photos! Enjoy and have a great week!! See ya!

 Playing with daddy

Loving mama's blankie from her childhood!

 Our first photo together August 2009