Little Bitty Blog: Trying to gain some control...

So as most of you know mama has got a pretty bad case of anxiety.

And from what I understood about my "attacks" (as we like to call them, which is really a much more polite way of saying psychotic episodes, but whatever) I really only got them in social situation/in public.

Not in the safe haven that is my home.

EVER

That was until I had a baby and she became all the public I needed. I have been having really really bad attacks at home, and I feel like it is seriously the exact opposite of the reasons I was having them before pregnancy.

Scenario before baby:

We walk into a crowded restaurant.

We sit down.

I think everyone is staring at me.

I try to talk.

I can't talk or I will vomit.

Cue tunnel vision, muffled hearing, pounding heart, lump in my throat, and stomach cramping.

Whom ever I am with usually notices I am freaking out in my own body and if they know me well enough they know to just sit quietly and wait patienly until it is over.

(this would happen in restaurants, bars, malls, concerts, grocery store, ANYWHERE)

Scenario after baby:

Baby is whiny/crying.

I tend to her.

Dog barks at squirrel in the yard.

I trip on dirty laundry/adam's shoe/toys

the baby really starts crying.

My nose is runny from the amounts of dog hair on our couch.

Cue tunnel vision, muffled hearing, pounding heart, lump in my throat, and stomach cramping.

I am with a baby and not anyone that can understand that I am having a really bad attack, she does not quiet or need less attention and my attack flies thru the roof and turns into a full on rage episode in my own head.

Anxiety is a freaking scary ass thing and I have fought myself for 23 years about it. I didn't get to enjoy live music by my favorite bands growing up. Or dinner conversation with family or friends in popular restaurants. I spent most of my nights out with friends in the bathroom trying to hold it together. It controlled so much of my social life growing up and now I feel that it is taking over what precious time I have alone at home with my daughter.

Alot of my friends and family don't understand my anxiety, and thats ok, I don't either, but its real and its controlling as hell and I struggle so much with it. I have conflicted feelings about medication, I do not nor have I ever wanted to take medication for it. I have wanted for years to be able to somehow control it myself, as much as it controls me, but atlas I cannot. So I have decided to see a doctor and try the meds. I feel so defeated, but I need to be able to enjoy life at home with belle. I need to do it for her more then anything.

So I will keep ya'll posted on that little nugget of a problem.

On a lighter subject...

Belle was sick for the first time.

NOT FUN!

But she ended up getting me sick and she fought it off faster then I did!

My little champ!

Well I am going to give a little show of some pics before I dip. Have a great week and incase I don't post before Halloween, have a good one and be safe!